I’m still in shock with the events that took place yesterday and the extremely difficult experience of having to say goodbye to my best friend this morning.
I’m going to precursor this post by saying, I don’t know if any of it is going to make sense or be cohesive, but I’m truly not in the best headspace as I grieve the best gift that was given to me.
Beau truly was the best cat anyone could ever ask for. He was found by my sister in our grandmother’s backyard and him and I immediately hit it off.
Beau had periodically visited my sister due to her cat, Avery, standing in the window and attracting him and each time Beau came to visit we were worried it was going to be his last due to the high amount of traffic in the area as well as racoons.
One night my sister had called me to let me know that Beau had come back and that she wanted me to meet him and that was the night I fell in love with him.
Skittish and small, Beau still tried to sniff me and eat beside me and his demeanour made me ask my sister if she could one day capture him and let me house him. While things weren’t solidified, they were looking into the direction of Beau being my new forever baby, until he went missing for an extended period of time.
Now we know that Beau’s disappearance was due to a spay and release initiative as the next time we saw Beau he had the tip of his ear cut off and was back on the street neutered and that’s when my sister decided to capture him and bring him to my house.
That night I received dozens of texts from my sister asking what we were going to do and since I was at work panicked and told her I was going to ask my boyfriend, now husband, if he could take him since we already had a cat in the house.
My husband was asleep at the time of me frantically texting him whether or not he could take Beau and the texts read something along the lines of:
Do you want a cat?
I want this cat he’s amazing.
These are some ideas on how you can keep the cat.
Hey I changed my mind I’m going to keep the cat with me. I think we’ll find a way to make it work.
I don’t care if you don’t want the cat, the cat is mine you’re going to love him.
All of which he did not receive until the morning, which has been the ongoing “remember when you offered me a cat but basically didn’t care what my answer was because you were going to take him anyways?” kind of memory.
The first night I spent with Beau, we kept Beau locked up in the bathroom so he wouldn’t have the opportunity to hide anywhere or get to my mother’s cat, Walker. Instead of heading to bed by myself, I spent the night sleeping on the bathroom floor with Beau, who slept in my lap for the majority of the night but then ended up moving into the shower sometime after I actually fell asleep.
In the morning when I woke up, Beau slowly crawled back and slept in my lap.
Truthfully I’m still so baffled by that experience since Beau was a stray cat who I’ve been told was quite vicious, decapitating mice, catching and releasing them while they squealed in pain for his own enjoyment, but as soon as Beau was with me, he was the most docile cat in the world.
Beau spent months sleeping in my bedroom with me. At first, I didn’t want to let him out of my bedroom since Walker, my mom’s now cat, was a very dominant cat and we weren’t prepared to let them meet. That obviously changed after some time, soon opening the door to Walker and Beau during daytime, but still keeping Beau to myself at night.
Beau was extremely playful when he was younger, especially during those nights locked up in my bedroom.
I would often find Beau sitting on the hutch of my bed just staring down at me purring, or trying to break into the drawers of my bed, he’d often slip between the mattress and the bed box so he could hide under the bed, but the nights locked in my bedroom quickly were met with Beau destroying feather toys, eating plastic toys and soon eating bedsheets, being the first problem we discovered with Beau.
Beau was always a high stress cat though while to us he was the most comforting being we could ever have, we were very aware that even the smallest things could trip him up.
Beau, for example, would get really stressed about not knowing when his next meal was and would often chew on pieces of plastic or cloth, which lead to the diagnoses that he had Pica.
Maintaining Beau’s Pica was a bit of a struggle at first as he often chewed on my mom’s carpet, ate my socks, ate toys like balls and feather wands, candles, ate plastic mice, and the list goes on and on. I quickly began crafting Beau toys so he could be entertained when I wasn’t able to actively play with him and did my best to invest in toys he would be able to passively play with such as springs and SlimCat balls.
The most frustrating moment of Beau’s Pica was when he ate my mother’s friend’s shoelace, which lead him to contract worms and while easy to deal with, we knew we were in for years of always having an eye out on the little goober.
Beau’s Pica would spring up on and off for what I would say was a year and it seemed to be aggravated by Walker’s aggressive behaviour which lead Walker to chase Beau around the house, both of them howling and hissing at each other, often also leading to fights and scratches. It was odd though, because both Walker and Beau got along periodically acting as if they were best friends, though sometimes Walker would take it a bit too far, leading to Beau retaliating.
When my husband and I decided to move in with each other I had to ultimately make the decision to leave Walker behind with my mother. The decision was difficult for me, as I was the one who initially adopted Walker, but it was made easier by the fact that Walker had bonded with my mother much more and I couldn’t imagine living in a space where Beau was constantly on edge.
Beau was doing extremely well in our new apartment. It took him a bit of time to acclimate to my husband, often showing signs of jealousy when I gave my husband attention and not Beau, but we did our best to include Beau in our relationship, including him in almost every cuddle session and always making sure Beau felt welcome in our room at any point.
Though I say that, it was funny to me that Beau actually took more solace in my husband the first few days, sleeping under the blankets by my husband’s feet which had me green with envy, though Beau quickly reverted back to being “my cat” sleeping by my side every night.
I sadly can’t remember clearly anymore, but Beau had bouts of Urinary Tract Infections in his years in our first apartment. I can’t remember if he was experiencing them with Walker, but I do know that we quickly correlated his constant Urinary Tract Infections with stress and later to the fact that Beau was neutered a bit too early, resulting in his urethra not growing to an ideal size.
Less on that, more to the happy memories for a bit.
Beau became one of those cats you could call out to who would run towards you,
Our creativity for Beau kept evolving, starting to build him cat homes, more cat toys and ultimately the decision to take some hours off of work to begin writing for Pets Overload, essentially making cats a more full-time part of my life.
Between Beau’s Pica, constant UTIs and simply his behaviour, I made it my goal to learn and research as much about cats as I could in hopes of being able to take a more active role in making sure his wellbeing was my priority, often comparing him to being my child.
At this time we also learned that Beau had the potential of a stage 3 heart murmur, though vets were inconclusive as to what the reasoning was or whether or not it would be an issue in the future. They would tell us that “there’s not much you can do other than good diet and exercise” and we were often recommended to just ignore it unless we “just wanted to put him down, because it wouldn’t end well anyways.”
I think with all of these medical needs, which I admit could have been much worse, my interest for felines and animals in general had me hungry for even more knowledge on cats, later taking courses on animal nutrition, wellbeing and starting my journey as a “pet person” at a pet store.
Things were becoming fairly simple with Beau and we thought we had reached the clear with all of his health problems, though within a year he got another UTI even though he had been on food specifically for urinary health which lead us to provide him with “quick fix” treatments for his bladder. This happened about 3 times, rushing him to the emergency or our local vet if they were open for medications.
Although Beau hated us for the medications we were pumping him with, Beau still never left our sides and showed his utmost love for us being his pet parents, often showing us signs of gratitude by licking us, rubbing his head on us and always sleeping very close to us.
Beau became very spoiled, spending almost every day with me while I worked, enjoying nibbling on cat grass, receiving his own hand-me-down Chromebook to watch birds, being let outside onto the balcony with supervision and I quickly realized that Beau was the perfect match for me.
After moving, my parents asked my husband and I to cat sit Walker and while we could have driven to my parent’s house every day using their car, we requested to have access to their house to housesit instead, deciding to bring Beau so both cats could have all the attention they needed.
Little did we know that this would be a mistake as trying to re-introduce Walker to Beau lead to Walker attacking Beau and ripping out some of Beau’s nails, which while manageable, ended the pipe dream of being able to have Walker and Beau be buddies since it seemed too difficult to properly acclimate Beau to this aggressive cat.
The spat between Beau and Walker was a massive tipping point for me as it was a moment that I became an even bigger mother hen, ultimately swearing to protect Beau with every means. I tried to be careful, but it wasn’t good enough and I had to be better.
Later that year we adopted a couple of fish, Flub and Blub who we hoped would give Beau some company while I was at work and to our surprise Beau loved the fish more than we could expect, but in the oddest ways.
Beau was the sweetest little thing, spending time watching the fish, but never pawing at them or trying to attack them. He spent many nights sleeping beside the fish, which funny enough made me jealous because it meant that Beau wasn’t sleeping by my feet or in my arms as often.
I will say, Beau’s sweetness with Blub and Flub made it so easy to continue adopting surrenders from the pet store, also being a complete sweetheart to our hamster Twitch.
Between having two fish and a hamster with Beau, we realized just how far Beau’s tender nature went. Not only did Beau love every human he met, but he loved and respected all of our family that were pets.
I can still remember the wail Beau let out when Twitch passed. She was doing so poorly that day and I’m shocked that Beau seemed to know the second she passed, though of course one can simply say that Beau’s wail was simply co-incidence.
I can’t believe I’ve almost forgotten that even when a cat snuck into our apartment, Beau immediately took an interest in her, never attacking or hissing at her, but being the gentle little giant that he was and giving her the space she needed.
Over the years we had played videos of kittens and Beau would always go searching for them, calling back while looking for where the sound originated, which made us question whether or not another cat would be in the future for us, especially if we moved to a place that actually allowed pets.
He really was an “animal cat” though let’s be honest he was also such a “people cat.”
That year my husband and I also decided that we would try to make a trip to the UK to visit my sister. The company he worked for was planning on sending him to learn about new product lines and since the trip would be happening in the city my sister lived in, the trip seemed like kismet.
There were a variety of conversations around travelling as I didn’t think I was ready to leave Beau with a babysitter and I absolutely wasn’t ready to leave Beau in a kennel as the amount of stress he would experience was too vast. So, we asked one of our best friends if she would be willing or able to babysit Beau for the week and she agreed.
Extremely anxious, and with the probability that I would cancel, we developed a 2 page document that had everything our friend had to know about taking care of Beau, outlining his eating habits, behaviours, when to rush him to the vet, what urinary tract infections looked like… trust me, it was a bit overwhelming.
We were given updates regularly through Snapchat of Beau’s health and everything went smoothly, but I can’t tell you how happy I was to be reunited with our fur-baby.
Being that Beau did so well with our friend and showed no signs of stress we felt encouraged that we would be able to visit my sister again in the future.
It was also this year that we were able to convince Beau that wet food was a food option, often rejecting it and heavily preferring kibble, though soon it got to the point where Beau happily fed himself using his paws, which was hilarious.
Beau made immense progress that year with my husband, spending lots of time sleeping with him and mimicking the way my husband sleeps. That year I had been offered a variety of tours for my theatre show and I was especially relieved by the fact that Beau grew so fond of my husband that I didn’t feel as much, if not any anxiety with leaving Beau for longer periods of time.
While not ideal, I tried to take every opportunity I could to progress my theatrical career, though always missing Beau on my trips and questioning if touring was the life I wanted to continue pursuing.
I tried to come up with possibilities to continue working in the city as an artist, though the reality is that if anyone wants to generate money in the industry I was in, they would have to tour around Canada to make it a possibility. That dream ended for me when Beau experienced the worst thing we could have ever expected, 3 blockages within 48 hours.
Beau signified to us that he was experiencing discomfort by wetting our bed and yowling through the experience so my husband and I rushed back and forth to the emergency downtown having to make quick decisions on whether or not to continue treatment for Beau or to let him go, but ultimately we made the decision to undergo a Perineal Urethrostomy and Double Cystotomy to reduce the chances of Beau ever getting blocked again.
Those days were devastating and involved many nights of laying awake. I was up for over 72 hours at one point and still showing up to work completely obliterated. Losing Beau was not an option I was willing to take and what seemed to be a week or so of Beau being away from us all seemed worth it, especially as he recovered swimmingly.
Beau was a fighter, even when he was in pain. I remember specifically, when he returned from his first emergency visit, him scenting my chin while sitting on my lap over and over again. We had hopes that this was a sign that everything was going to be okay, but within the first 30-minutes of being home he was unable to urinate again, requiring us to catheterize him again for 72 hours until a vet was able to see him for further prognosis.
Even when Beau was recovering he was a sweetheart. Beau, clearly in pain, would try to come visit me in bed or in my office when he should have been sleeping, so most days I would spend sleeping by the man-cave we built him playing relaxing cat music and trying to ensure that he was going to make it through.
Minor complications arose, though nothing that couldn’t be handled and Beau was back to normal, though admittedly I developed PTSD from the event.
Every time Beau yowled from then on, even if it was brief, triggered me. I became an extremely light sleeper and my anxiety shot through the roof.
I couldn’t stop from worrying that Beau would always end up in the same spot that he was in before and I couldn’t shake away the fear that the operation wouldn’t help him live longer and that we had just traumatized Beau for our selfishness.
It was difficult for me to accept that truth that it didn’t matter how much longer Beau had, the reality was that if we didn’t go through with the operation he would have been dead that night and even if we had him for another year, his life was extended and we were given an opportunity for more memories.
Beau continued to experience health issues, developing a lesion on his back shortly after his PU Surgery. While we still do not know the cause of the lesion, I have the theory that it was caused from a needle used on Beau, as it looked exactly like the images of lesions caused by needles, though the vets deny it being the case. It didn’t matter though, we were going to fix it and Beau wasn’t going to die from it, though Beau could perhaps experience fur loss for the rest of his life if it did not heal correctly.
That month we celebrated having Beau for two years and worked hard at focussing on the positives of his life. He was seemingly healthy, he was happy and cuddling us regularly and he had a good amount of energy that matched at least 75% of what he had pre-surgery.
We continued to care for Beau and began discussions of me taking more time away from a physical day job to focus on being an “at-home” worker so I could keep an eye on him if any complications were to arise and that’s when I made the choice to cut back on theatre and focus on music again, trying to develop songs for Beau to listen to to stay calm, that and of course going back into general sound design.
I spent the next few months by Beau’s side, writing music while he was on my lap, sending audio samples out to vets, rescues and shelters to test out the music in hopes of getting data as to what instruments, melodies and such would stabilize cat’s breathing so that if Beau was ever stressed again I could just plop on some music and at least keep him calm while we figured out what to do next.
It feels very “homeopathy” and “pseudo-science-y” but the reality was, Beau had experienced reoccurring signs of stress and the music would often get him to normalize his breathing in situations where there was too much noise from construction upstairs or the various bouts of city living.
Beau helped me find my focus, now being a part-time teacher, full-time writer for Pets Overload and musician who primarily works from home. I would, however, complete all of the contracts I had left over.
Beau spent almost all of his time following me around the apartment, sitting on my lap while I was working and expressing the tremendous amount of love he had for me frequently and often.
Early the next year my husband and I had to move apartments to the other side of the city. While we were ecstatic to finally live in a complex that allowed pets (since we were actually living in a complex that technically had a “no-pet” policy) we were nervous that the move was going to stress Beau out and cause him to develop another UTI.
My partner and I prepared by making sure Beau was going to have lots of hiding places and had beds set up, making sure to have Beau scent a number of objects we were going to take during the move.
Upon moving, we were pleasantly shocked with how well Beau acclimated to our new apartment. He quickly explored the rooms we had and developed a new routine around my schedule, spending every waking moment with me and always coming to sleep when I slept.
When in our new apartment we received a phone call from my previous boss who had let us know that there was a chinchilla who needed a new home due to unforeseen circumstances. While admittedly my husband and I knew nothing about chinchillas we quickly researched and did as much learning as we could to accept the little goober into our home.
At the same time that we adopted Gary, the chinchilla, we had a new kitten on her way who we named Kalista. We hoped that Kalista would be a form of company for Beau, especially for those moments I was out at work as Beau was so clearly a dependant cat who needed social interactions.
Not only did Beau prove to be an amazing brother to Kalista, Beau never bothered Gary, though he would watch him from afar whenever he would jump around in his cage.
As for Beau and Kalista, my heart breaks knowing that he was such an amazing companion to Kalista not only learning bad behaviour from her, but actually becoming thick as thieves with her. Oddly enough, Kalista even taught Beau to play with laser pointers after years of us trying to play with him and thinking he had some sort of partial blindness and was simply unable to see the laser pointer. We were wrong.
Beau and Kalista were inseparable. They would follow each other around the apartment every day. You could often find them sitting right beside each other or sleeping together… I really can’t think of a better cat duo.
Beau and Kalista were a pair that got along very quickly. He immediately wanted to get to know her from the moment we brought her home. He waited by the bedroom door wanting to see who we had brought and took every opportunity to take a peek at her when we’d open our bedroom door, leading us to introduce them much earlier than we expected.
There was such minimal hissing or swatting when introducing them. Beau immediately took a big brother role with Kalista, cleaning her and always making sure she was okay when she was scared.
It was truly remarkable how close they were, up until Beau developed another UTI, being his first since his PU Surgery.
I was a mess. I was having chronic nightmares and my PTSD was through the roof. I thought this was going to be the future for us. I felt terrible knowing that even though Beau could absolutely love and acclimate perfectly with another cat that he could be so stressed that he develops crystals, but looking back I wouldn’t change it for the world.
Again, Beau and Kalista were so perfect together. They would both snuggle with me and my husband, they would huddle together when they were scared, and to be completely frank, their power duo nature made it so easy for us to move to our next apartment a few months later.
2018 was a big year for my partner and I, having to move twice and gaining and losing so many members of the Pets Overload family, but Beau and Kalista made it so much more bearable.
Beau, during this move, was frightened. We didn’t expect it and thought he would acclimate quickly as he did in the last apartment, but Kalista, being the ballsy cat that she is, lead the way and helped Beau get used to the new place. We then started understanding their strengths amongst each other.
Kalista loved new places and loved to explore, running out into the hallway being one of her favourite hobbies, but Kalista hates people and unfamiliar voices, leaving her completely paralyzed if not cowering under a bed, couch or desk. Beau, on the other hand, didn’t mind the voices of new people, though he feared new places.
Beau would take social cues from Kalista, following her lead. If she went into a room, he’d look at her then follow her. He took no interest in going out into the hallway until he saw that Kalista was fine. Similarly, Kalista would take social cues when it came to people and would watch to see if Beau was okay with someone before she came out from hiding. It was remarkable.
But all of a sudden Beau stopped eating. I, again, had multiple triggers ensue. I thought that perhaps this was going to be something more serious or that there was an underlying problem with Beau, and though we got Beau to eat again after feeding him emergency care food, I felt responsible and remorseful that I had to put him through another move.
Beau did, in fact, have another UTI at this point and the one take away I will say was funny was that the vets had to inject liquids into him to rehydrate him.
The liquids ended up forming a water hump on his back between his shoulder blades, similar to a camel and anytime you would pet him or play with his back at all it would jiggle from side to side.
It’s odd with Beau though, because with Beau his stress would build over time. It seemed he would develop urinary tract infections weeks after being acclimated to something (understanding that things take time), but even when he stopped eating it was at least a week after we moved.
So, I started writing for Beau again and Beau became even more receptive to music. It got to the point where when I would play specific songs Beau would enter the room and lie on the floor next to my monitors to breathe and relax. Beau’s stress became my biggest priority again and I was keen on releasing new music for him.
Beau soon encouraged Kalista to join him when listening to music, calling out to her whenever his favourite songs were playing and having her sleep beside him. He would also begin to call out to her anytime he wanted to play and had a routine, becoming a creature of habit.
Beau didn’t like being away from me and would show his distaste for me being away by spending every waking moment I was home sleeping in my lap. Although I had been cooling the jets when it came to theatre and touring, I started picking up more and more courses with the local school board simply because I wanted to gain enough tenure to be able to select the school that was closest to me as my primary teaching establishment, which sadly required me to work endless hours at a school that was 2 hours away from me.
The hours of travel are what really killed me. Each day that I was spending sitting on a bus, I could have been spending with Beau and I know that’s such a stupid privileged thing to say, but it was frustrating that I kept being relocated to schools so far from me when there were three schools that were 5-10 minute walks from me. I was ready to quit, but felt irresponsible “to do something for a cat.”
2019 went fairly smoothly for us as a household. Everything was like clockwork.
Although I hadn’t left my job and was still working hard to be transferred, Beau had bonded with Kalista fairly definitively.
Fast forward to 2020.
A few weeks before the pandemic happened I had made the decision to leave my workplace and work from home full-time. I was making enough money from my side hustles to support us as a family and while that came at a bit of a pay cut, I felt it was worth it to be able to spend time with my family and potentially make a move to the EU.
Lucky I quit when I did as the pandemic hit Canada within two weeks and the monstrosity that we call COVID-19 hit my city hard and would have left me jobless in a week anyways.
My husband and I turned to my sister and her husband for advice on how to move to Portugal, which was where they also resided at that time and we planned our immigration.
Late in 2020, my husband and I moved to his parent’s house as we packed up our belongings and got ready for the move. Here Beau and Kalista acclimated well, though Beau did have a terrible incident where my father-in-law mistakenly let him out.
My husband and I spent hours looking for Beau, calling out and letting out gut wrenching cries for him to return home.
Our cries were left unheard for at least 8 hours, though I am extremely grateful to say that Beau came back home on his own accord, appearing at the houses’ back door meowing to be let in.
I’d like to say that Beau missed us and wanted to be with us, but I’d also like to say that we are the most lucky people to have a cat who wants to return home after running away.
Beau never left my sight from then on. My husband and I kept him in extremely closed quarters and planned to get our move ready before a second wave hit.
Flash forward to immigrating. We’ve been in Portugal for about 3 months now, still living with my sister.
Beau had been doing fairly well, though Beau did have one urinary tract infection while we were here. We weren’t as nervous this time as the urinary tract infection was expected from the move and we were already in contact with a vet who was ready to see Beau as soon as he peed on our bed to let us know.
What we didn’t know was that two months later, yesterday, Beau would have the worst day we’ve ever had with him.
I woke up at 3 AM yesterday morning from a nightmare and went to my computer to do some work. Beau, who is usually sleeping with me at that time, followed me to the computer and slept on my lap.
Then Beau started gagging and tried to vomit. I thought it wasn’t a big deal and that he may have a hairball. The gagging stopped and Beau went back to bed, but Beau was breathing a bit faster than normal, so I kept an eye at him.
Around 5 AM, Beau jumped off of me and started doing the same. So I tried to calm him while he tried to throw up and I noticed his breathing was faster and more shallow than before.
I didn’t know what to do and watched Beau until his breathing regulated again, but after he ate around 10 AM it happened again. I asked for some petroleum jelly to see if we could get Beau to poop out the suspected hairball and after about an hour things returned back to normal.
But they weren’t normal.
We noticed that Portugal had extremely high humidity and took note that our room’s humidity was over 80, so we blasted a dehumidifier, now suspecting an asthma attack. We sat there watching the humidity index drop.
At 5 PM after Beau’s next feeding Beau began hyper ventilating. His breath became extremely shallow and he began trying to breathe with his whole chest.
Beau’s breathing got more shallow within the 30 minutes and we tried to contact our vet, but due to COVID-19 restrictions the whole city was under curfew beyond 1 PM (13h). So we called the emergency and booked an appointment within the thirty minutes.
As soon as we put Beau in his carrier he began panting and gasping for air. Beau was not okay.
When we got to the vet Beau was drenched in drool and his face was soaked in tears. Beau was dying.
The vet immediately looked at him and said “he’s not okay”, taking him quickly to an operating room.
An hour had past and we hadn’t seen Beau and when the vet returned she let us know that she had stabilized him and that Beau’s lungs were filling up with water. She took a history of Beau’s life and let us know what methods she would take.
She was uncertain, but was treating Beau for asthma, but let us know that this might not be the cause of what was happening. I stupidly forgot about the heart murmur he had when documenting his health history and she went on to treat Beau.
Another hour passed and when she returned she let us know that Beau was still okay, but that there was a chance that things were going to dive. I immediately blurted out that Beau had a heart murmur and she looked at me softly and let me know that she suspects that Beau’s heart is failing due to the murmur.
She contacted the cardiologist who said he could be in by Thursday, but she let him know how critical Beau’s condition was and he said he could be available on Monday. She asked for our consent to keep Beau until Monday as he would not be stable enough to come home and we agreed.
I knew Beau wasn’t coming home. I knew Beau wouldn’t be stable. I knew Beau was going to die.
The vet told us she was going to contact us if anything changed, however, they did not.
5 hours had passed and I contacted the vet. Another vet was now on shift and they let me know that Beau was now unresponsive and they were unable to keep him stable.
Beau was initially on a ventilator, but his breathing had gotten so bad that they put him in a tube. They had tried multiple medications on him, but he did not respond to any of them. Beau was induced into a coma.
The vet said that things were dire and that they would keep trying.
Around 1 AM I receive a phone call letting me know that I had to make the decision to say goodbye to Beau or keep trying. In that phone call I was made aware that chances were so slim for Beau to survive, though we still had the option.
My husband and I had been having the conversation of saying goodbye to Beau in the 8 hours that they had tried to keep Beau alive and we had already made the decision that it was time to let him go. Both already in tears and feeling spent we knew that there was no way Beau was going to be able to bounce back. Even if he had become stable again, the data shows that cats in his condition often end up with massive struggles including high amounts of pain and paralysis.
It was time to send our little baby home.
We let the vet know our decision and told them we would be there within 10 minutes asking them if we could be there when he was euthanized. They agreed.
Saying bye to Beau has been so difficult. Seeing his lifeless body on the operating table broke my heart.
Watching his lungs be pumped with oxygen made it real for me that our little boy was no longer.
I loved Beau with all of my heart. I still love Beau with all of my heart.
Beau taught me so much.
Beau taught me to be patient, even when I’m anxious or stressed.
Beau taught me to love someone unconditionally.
Beau taught me what taking care of someone was like.
Beau taught me that you have to fight for those you love until the bitter end.
Beau was my everything. I miss Beau so fucking much.
Beau was there for me every time I cried.
Beau was there for me every time I was nervous.
Beau was there for me every time I needed comfort or needed an ear.
Beau was there every time I opened the door.
Beau was there every time I went to bed.
Beau was there always.
People often think it’s crazy when I say that Beau was like family to me. That Beau was my child.
People often think it’s crazy that I have to feed my cat 4 times a day just to make sure he’s not stressed out that he’s going to be left starving.
People often think it’s crazy that I would rather spend time with Beau than go out to a movie or go clubbing.
But it’s not crazy. Beau was my cat, my best friend.
Beau spent hours sitting with me, getting to know me. Cuddling with me, loving me.
Beau spent hours playing with me, helping me cope with the stress of the world.
Beau spent hours with me, listening to my music, letting me know what songs he liked better.
Beau spent hours with me, talking to me, meowing at me when he needed something.
Beau spent hours with me, purring in my lap, letting me know that he loved me.
Beau’s gone now though and I’m here broken. I feel empty inside because I feel like I’ve lost my best friend.
I’ve lost a member of my family. I’ve lost my Beau, my son.
I wish words could describe the amount of strength Beau gave me over the years. The amount of knowledge he gave me. The amount of inspiration he gave me to better myself as an individual.
I wish words could describe the amount of love Beau would pour into everyone he met.
I wish words could describe the feeling Beau would give me when he would push himself into my body and flop over.
I wish words could describe the amount of relief I got whenever Beau would curl up beside me, sleep on my chest or simply stand with me.
Today I looked to my side dozens of times expecting Beau to be there. I keep thinking that he’s in the corner of my eye waiting to jump up on my lap.
Today I feel like the room I am in is bigger and that something is missing. But something is missing and the world is bigger because I don’t have my little man by my side.
I don’t have the comfort I received from Beau. The coping mechanism I used to rely on.
I don’t have Beau to grieve Beau. I don’t get the cat I used to be able to pet and hold whenever I was sad or stressed.
I don’t have the cat I’ve depended on for the past 5 years and I feel empty. I feel like my life has stopped.
What’s crazy is how much of an impact it’s been losing Beau. How much I don’t want to live a day without him and I get it, life will go on and things will become more manageable. Time heals and all that bullshit. I get it and I believe it, but damn. Damn is it so difficult to grieve the loss of my little boy.
It’s hard not to think about him and while I’m not trying to actively avoid thinking of him, I’m finding myself on and off crying. Sometimes for seconds, sometimes for minutes and it’s exhausting.
Beau held such big pieces of me and I held so many pieces of Beau.
Every belly rub, every headbutt, every chin scratch.
There will never be another cat like Beau, because Beau was special. Beau was honestly the best cat any man could ever ask for.
He was reliable, affectionate and he never went a day without letting us know how much he cared for us.
Beau was a fighter until the very end. Although he was distressed the day that he died, he let me hold him, let me love him, let me stroke his belly one last time.
Beau tried to purr while he was unable to breathe. You could hear the gurgles happening in his nose. I hate to say it, but those gurgles were the dead give away that my son was ready to go.
I’m glad it was painless. I’m glad it was quick. I’m glad that he was under and I’m glad it was his heart versus a strung out bout of complications.
It’s seemingly fitting that it was Beau’s heart and while cliché, it’s fitting because Beau had so much love for us.
My family asked me if I have anything to remember Beau with and while the answer is so clearly this whole blog of archived knowledge that Beau has given me, the reality is that Beau is a feeling to me.
Beau is a sensation of peace and tranquility.
Beau is the feeling of love and generosity.
Beau is the knowledge that you’re being taken care of and being watched over at all points.
Beau is my best friend and Beau is no more and I’m sorry to let you know that he is gone.
I love you with all of my heart Beau and I’m still in shock that you’re gone. I knew this day would come and as grateful as I am that you went peacefully, I still wish you were here by my side cooing. I wish you were always there for me.
I love you.